Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
