I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
