I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
