did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
