Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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