sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My ATM looks so different sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
