from now on my penis is your penis
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
