Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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