you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
