I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
