he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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