I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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