Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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