first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
