if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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