Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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