He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
