she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
