We won't sleep together?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
