youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
