He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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