how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
