I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
