I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
