He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
