If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
