Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
