And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
