babies were throwing up all over the place
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
