You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
