If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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