got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
