he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
