Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
