you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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