yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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