They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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