You smell like stripper and shame
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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