Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Houston, we have a squirter
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
