I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
