You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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