here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
