I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize