I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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