Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
