Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
