Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
