I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
