Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
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He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.