ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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