i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
