Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
