Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
