The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
