in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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