doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
