sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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