YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
